Candy = decor

Displaying out-of-season candy anywhere within the home is a considerable mistake in the domestic world.

Candy wrappers with purple, pink, and pastel hues are great for the early spring and Easter holiday weekend, but after April, toss them out.

Halloween candy is touchier, since the wrappers are generally of normal coloring, but it's generally tacky to have bowls of Halloween candy out past Thanksgiving. Make sure to take out all the mystery candies (smushed amorphous globs wrapped in orange paper, etc.) that the geriatrics tend to hand out, too. No one wants to eat anything they can't identify.

Christmas candy, particularly wrapped in festive golds, greens and reds, should be tossed promptly after New Years Day celebrations, or at least wrapped up and relegated to the pantry.

Unwrapped candy, such as M&Ms, have a much shorter shelf life than wrapped candies and should be changed/replaced every week.

When in doubt, stick with peppermints, as their shelf life is practically eternal, and they're always in demand.

Career Builder

While browsing CareerBuilder.com tonight, I was accosted by a blinking ad of sorts on the side the page. Now, customarily, this advertisement space on CareerBuilder is occupied by online degree information, ESL classes, job postings, or legal recruitment centers. But this time, it was different.




Random advertisement? Or egregious profiling? Again, I stress:




Congratulations, fellow job seekers. We're now one of the target demographics for World of Warcraft. Just when we thought our morale couldn't possibly get any lower...

Reading People Magazine is Important

So...

If you've kept abreast of the tabloids like Teri has, you'd know that the Obamas have finally decided on a dog. This factoid takes precedence over pirate hostage crises, earthquakes, and Sri Lankan truce talks.

Why? Because puppies are cute and hostage situations aren't.

And, if you've been reading closely, you'd know that the Portuguese Water Dog not only fits Obama's hypoallergenic standard, but also bears an appearance eerily similar to that of the late Rick James.



Coincidence? Or mass socialist conspiracy?

A Winter-Long Hiatus

Remember the apple crisp a la mode we introduced back in October? Stop eating it. It's spring, and bathing suit season will soon be leering at you in the dressing room mirror (and hopefully not at Lane Bryant).

The slovenly, fresh-out-of-the-cave look is no longer permissible. If you have that jaundiced, sickly pallor to you, try getting out in the sun. World of Warcraft and re-runs of Battlestar Gallactica will still be there when you return. We promise.

Between trips to the spa and grueling spin classes, Teri TiVos.

This allots her a bountiful, productive day without compromising her shows. We suggest you do the same, both for the sake of your fitness as well as your social life. This way, you can't conjure up lame-ass excuses as to why you're not working out and getting things done.

Win Friends with Food

One of the biggest adjustments we make as the seasons change is our diets. Comfort food, warm drinks, and heavier meals are in, salads are out. On that note, sweatpants are also in. 'Tis the season to bulk up, stop exercising, and assume the sedentary lifestyle that we all tend to embrace around this time of the year.

Posted below is one of Teri's most coveted recipes. It's hard to duplicate, but with enough practice, you may be able to make her signature Apple Crisp about a third as well as she does.



One final tip: Make sure to double the topping because it's the best part. In the event that you'd like to really impress your guests (and give them type II diabetes), double the recipe, double the apple part and quadruple the topping. Everyone loves the topping.

Where Slobs Fail

People judge you. This fact will not change with age, status, or income level. One thing that people especially like to judge is the way you keep your home. When you're expecting guests, don't slack off. Preparing your place for entertaining others is a priceless skill, and preparing your place for entertaining others on a time constraint is an art. So slobs, listen up. This post's for you.

First and foremost, it's imperative that we address crazy cat ladies. There is nothing more off-putting than the putrid scent of cat excrement upon entering one's abode. For those of us with all five senses intact, the noxious odor may even ignite the gag reflex. No one should be able to tell you have pets (or kids) by solely employing their sense of smell. With this in mind, it becomes crucial to eliminate any odors plaguing your home before your guests' arrival, as this is sure to be the first thing they notice. Febreeze works fantastically on a variety of fabrics and assists in killing odor causing bacteria on contact.

Secondly, candles are your friend. They can give ambiance to any setting and they won't break the bank. But clutter slobs, remember that less is more. Candles are an ACCESSORY. If you choose to line your foyer, hallways, and rooms with candles, you run the risk of looking like a satanic freak. Additionally, never use scented candles in the event that you are serving food. This can be displeasing to one's olfactory and curb his or her appetite. Lighting Yankee Candle's "Fresh Cut Grass" during a turkey dinner is no way to win friends. In fact, it's one way to lose them, fast. Scents must also appropriately match the occasion. Thinking about lighting Bath & Body Works' "Grandma's Carrot Cake" signature candle for the big romantic proposal dinner? Think about getting rejected, hard.

Prioritizing the pre-arrival cleaning is of utmost importance. Slobs tend to have their cleaning priorities out of whack, and they'll devote six hours to cleaning the garage before stepping foot in their biohazard of a bathroom. Focus on the rooms that you and your guests will be spending the most time and get those done first. Living rooms, kitchens, and bathrooms tend to rank high on this list. There is virtually no sense in straightening up the bedrooms for guests that are coming over for dinner, that is, unless you convince them to stay the night.

Another area where slobs fail: minutiae. Slobs always overlook the small stuff, and this is perhaps the most pressing issue in tidying up one's home. DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS. Always spot clean the day of your expected guests' arrival. This means getting tough mildew stains out of the tub, shining your faucets, and scrubbing the toilets. Guests will always take a peek at how clean (or filthy) your johns are. Leave just one pubic hair on your toilet seat and you're committing social suicide.

Lastly, towels. Towels on the floor? Throw them in the hamper. Stained towels on the racks? Replace them with clean ones. Everyone likes a fresh towel. Don't let mysterious stains on your linens leave your guests' imaginations running wild.

So remember, get a head start on cleaning, and never procrastinate when it comes to the details that you think your guests will overlook. Guests are hawkish and vigilant of cleaning faux pas. Don't let them fool you. Teri strongly recommends cleaning an entire day in advance and then spot cleaning the day of your guests' arrival. Failure to comply with such regulations may result in social ridicule and dwindling numbers of house-guests.

Why Teri?

As a paragon of maternal excellence, Terase Martin has been what pop culture deems a "super mom" for well over two decades. Mother of three grown boys, Teri married her high school sweetheart and has resided at the Jersey Shore for over forty years. Seasoned in all things domestic, ranging from the obvious to the obscure, Teri's wisdom goes unparalleled. From getting out tough stains to home remedies, the answers are here. Teri debunks urban household myths and settles every clueless new homeowner's concerns. She's well-versed in potty training methods, gardening, and the art of bargain shopping, to name a few. Teri also settles confusion surrounding social nuances and awkward dinner parties, granting readers like you sound advice on how to handle such situations with surprising grace and poise.

Don't let the mini-van fool you. Teri frequents the gym every day for early morning spin classes and always has an immaculate mani-pedi combo. She's tan, toned, and her house is spotless and smells incredible. Her family is well-fed, well-groomed, and well-mannered without being dull and lifeless. She's organized and on top of her game. Her home decor is tasteful, and as for her cooking, let's just say she's Rachel Ray without the saddlebags and crappy catchphrases.

In other words, she's a machine.

The most frequently asked question about Teri has always been, of course:

"How does she always keep her shit together?"

We at Teri's Touch often find ourselves asking the same exact thing. All we can tell you is to keep reading, and hope that her wisdom rubs off on you.